Different and Equal: A D/s Paradox

Paradox.  What a great word.  It's just fun to say.  It's even fun to write... or type.  Attractive as far as words go.  Then again, anything with an 'x' has a certain 'Je nous se qua' quality about it.  I also like the word 'coax'; it tickles my primal bone.  What I like about 'paradox' most, however, is it's definition; it's contrarian nature...  much like TTWD.


I want to discuss a paradox I've encountered in my TTWD perusal:  the presence of equality within a total power exchange relationship.  For Miss K and I, this could never work if we did not have such a strong sense of equality, yet we know this dramatic paradigm shift is right for us.  How can that be?  The whole point is for her to submit completely, right?  Well, yes, but for starters, if we weren't equals, we wouldn't have been attracted to each other...  that's just how we're wired.

The truth is Miss K is my equal; she is also my loyal sub.  To fight it is not only disrespectful to both of us, but it's lying.  Period.  No relationship succeeds if based on a lie.  Our consensual power exchange created King IV and Miss K, but it did not change fundamentally who we are; it does not suddenly make me superior to her or her inferior to me.  She is still sharp as a tack, knows every bit as much about sports as I do (which is A LOT), belly-laughing funny, a master of sexuality, and incredibly accomplished in a very challenging field of work.  How on earth could I not consider her an equal?

As our investigation into D/s progressed, we both loved the term "exchange" in the context of a D/s relationship...  not transfer, not give, not grab, not shift...  exchange.  

One day we were discussing how things felt in our roles, and in the process I texted her this description of how I view our power exchange:

"You have given yourself away completely in servitude to me in EXCHANGE for protection (from yourself and others) and constant, faithful guidance...  Your luxury is the freedom to "slip away" into a Zen-like spiritual state...  On the flip side, I have accepted complete responsibility for your safety and personal development in EXCHANGE for total control...  My luxury is getting whatever I want, how I want, whenever I want it."

Not perfect, but it resonated.  More to the point, nothing in this explanation implies inequality.  What it describes is a dramatic shift in roles and responsibilities in our partnership.  She has given me the power of control; the power to guide and instruct and correct and use her as I see fit mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I have given her the power of service; the power of primal, instinctual love--caring and nurturing.  And, what I've really done by assuming control is to strip away all distractions from her life such that she can focus 100% of her time on serving me and our family.  Isn't that just a housewife?  Um...  no.  Housewives still have lives full of distractions, little control, fuzzy boundaries and unclear expectations.  Miss K has no distractions.  She knows exactly what is expected of her at all times; what her place is.  She has very clear boundaries.  No distractions to cause confusion or frustration or stress.  And, she knows there are consequences for her actions...  some minor, some not...  some good, some bad.

Service?  Seriously?  What power is in that?  It's every bit as powerful as control.  The power of service places in her hands the responsibility for pleasure and happiness and gratitude for the whole relationship.

My control creates a healthy environment for her to thrive and focus... to serve.  Her service fills that environment with pleasure and gratitude...  The result is a loving partnership; a symbiotic relationship... Yin & Yang.  Without my control, she cannot serve; without her service, there's nothing to control.  One cannot exist without the other.  THAT is the true beauty in a consensual power exchange.  It's not a power grab.  It's an exchange...  and for us...  among equals.